I ran across a book the other day called "Five Easy Steps to Instant Intimacy."

OK, what's wrong with that title? Go ahead, think about it...I'll wait.

Give up? There is no such thing as Instant Intimacy!! It's an oxymoron; like Jumbo Shrimp.

Intimacy, by its very definition, takes time. Webster's defines intimacy as "n. close or confidential friendship; familiarity." Intimate (from which intimacy is derived) is defined as "adj. most private or personal; very close or familiar; deep and thorough. n. an intimate friend; v. to make known."

There is no instant in those definitions. Becoming intimate, or very close, or personal, requires time. Time to get to really know the other person, deeply and thoroughly.
 
As such, there is no instant intimacy in a blending family. Each member must take the time to get to know every other family member, deeply and thoroughly. Unfortunately, most people entering into a blending family situation get married thinking, "We'll all love each other - instantly!" I hate to break it to you, but that only happens on TV.

You cannot just add water and stir, to create a blended family. It takes conscious effort, time, persistance, time, love, time, forgiveness, time and prayer. Oh - and did I mention, time?

So don't fall for the myth of instant intimacy. Keep working at it though - eventually your family will become what God intended.

        

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that, while you love your stepchild very much, you just don't like them? Somehow, this doesn't seem to happen as often with the kids you gave birth to.

It's not that your biological children don't have their own unlikeable moments, it just seems that they are easier to gloss over or forget. Maybe it's the parental survival instinct thing. You don't really want to kill them because they're your own progeny. There isn't that instinct thing with stepkids. You want to kill them, kind of like a lion does when he takes over a new pride.

At any rate, we stepparents have these moments when we look at our stepchild and think "What on earth was I thinking, taking this little monster into my home?! How could my wonderful, loving and generally intelligent spouse have possibly had a hand in bringing that ill-mannered, selfish child into the world?! They can't possibly be related!"

This is one of those life-defining moments. These are the moments when you have to step back and remember that God chose you to be a stepparent to this child (no matter how ill-mannered, disrespectful or selfish he or she is). You have to remember that there is a reason you are in this kid's life! It may be to teach them some table manners, or to teach them to share, or it may be to love them unconditionally because no one has ever done that for them before! Whatever the reason, remember that you don't have to like your stepchild all the time, but God commands us to love each other - always. Every good seed you sow into this kid's life will grow into something great someday. You never know when the harvest will come.

Keep planting,
Susan

        

As you may have surmised, I have a difficult time coming up with interesting things to blog about on a regular basis. I apologize for this - I really thought I'd be doing well to write something once a week, but I seem to be averaging once or twice a month. But honestly - are you really that interested in what I have to say about breakfast cereal or the morning drive? I didn't think so.

Anyway, here is the link to a radio interview I did recently on Sound Author's Radio, discussing my book. Just push the little arrow button to listen:

Download | Duration: 00:08:20

Have a wonderful Mother's (Stepmother's) Day!
~ Susan

        

I was in the airport a few weeks ago waiting for a plane. As I waited, I noticed a very cute little boy - a toddler - running in circles and generally amusing himself and those around him. His mother was sitting nearby, watching him and chatting with a fellow passenger. However, after about an hour of running in circles, it was becoming obvious that the boy was getting tired of waiting for his plane. He sat down on the floor, and began to whine. He got back up and began to throw himself repeatedly onto his mother's lap, while the whining got louder. Finally, in an act of desperation, the little boy very dramatically threw himself onto the floor and began to scream and kick his feet. It was an all-out tantrum.

The people who had earlier smiled at the small boy's antics began to look uncomfortable. Some buried themselves in the newspaper, while others shifted in their seats. Several of them turned toward the mother with that look that plainly says, "Do something!" What she did next however, was absolutely beautiful!

The mother of the little screaming boy threw herself down on the floor next to her son, flailed her arms and legs just as he was doing, and began to scream (albeit, a bit more softly)! The boy was so shocked and taken aback by the site of his mother throwing a fit on the floor in the middle of an airport that he stopped his tantrum mid-kick! His eyes grew wide, and he stared at the ridiculous sight in front of him...and began to giggle. Mom stopped flailing around and sat up. She began to laugh. Soon everyone at the gate was laughing too. The little boy crawled up on his mother's lap and they laughed together for the next few minutes.

We all feel a need to be understood on that level. We all feel a need to be validated and accepted unconditionally; to be shown or told "I understand exactly what you are feeling, and I am here to go through it with you." This feeling can be particularly strong in stepfamilies - so many changes going on in our lives can stress us out! We need to feel accepted and loved for who we are, no matter how we choose to act. Remember the little boy in the airport the next time on of your family members is feeling stress - and try to give them the acceptance and validation they are needing.

You are now free to move about the blender! ~ Susan

        

Recently I recieved a request for help from someone in a blending family. Seems things aren't going smoothly.

I feel your pain. Hang in there - God really does want your family to blend. Since you weren't specific about the problems, I can't address them directly, but I will keep your family in my prayers.

Meanwhile, take a look at my website: www.advicefromtheblender.com. You can find free articles there that will address specific blending situations. If you can't find an answer there, try reading either my book, Advice from the Blender: What to know before you blend so nobody gets creamed, Ron Deal's book, The Smart Stepfamily, or Natalie Gillespie's book, The Stepfamily Survival Guide. Ron Deal also has a website: www.successfulstepfamilies.com, which has a blog and a lot of free articles. He's a good guy and knows what he's talking about. 

I hope these resources help. Anyone else have any ideas? ~ Susan

        

I was recently featured on Holder Tonight on CJAD 800-AM in Montreal and talked about my book, Advice from the Blender: What to know before you blend so nobody gets creamed!  Holder Tonight is a Canadian late night radio talk show which features interviews with authors and discussions about their books.

The host, Peter Anthony Holder, and I spoke for about 20 minutes and held an in-depth discussion about the joys of living with stepkids who hate you, the difference between TV stepfamilies and reality, dealing with the ex and how to make it work! 

Below is a link to the interview so you can listen in. The first half of the interview is a bit hard to hear (I was on a cell phone) so turn up the volume, and the second half is much clearer. Let me know what you think!!

 

Download | Duration: 00:19:49

        

Ah, spring break! The annual hedonistic ritual of heading to Mexico, packing only a bikini and getting drunk on the beach....oh wait. That's the 'spring break' fantasy in the movies.

In the reality of a blending family, spring break is just a week that's free from school. It is a break of sorts; a break in the routine, a break from the morning chaos of getting the kids out the door on time for school, a break from the afterschool rush of soccer practice, guitar lessons, play rehearsals, etc. But for many families, that's about the only "break" they get.

David and I are very fortunate in that our kids all spend spring break with their other parents. We have a week to ourselves, and we decided even before we got married, that we would spend this week someplace else. It's our chance to get away, to rekindle the passion, to reconnect without the kids, and to go scuba diving - it's our way of taking an annual honeymoon!

We have some friends that have been married for almost 17 years, and they told us that they're jealous of our spring break arrangement! Being the only parents their kids have, they can't just send the kids away for a week. THis is apparently one of the unexpected "perks" of being in a blended family!!

So if you can, take full advantage of spring break. Even if you can't afford to leave town, plan to spend some quality time alone with your spouse. Go out for dinner, watch a movie together, go for a walk, sleep late and lock the bedroom door. It's an investment worth making in your marriage, and your whole family will benefit. "This is my command: Love each other!" (John 15:17)

Cheers! ~ Susan

        

Last weekend I spent two days at a retreat center in the desert. I was speaking at a women's retreat called "Take a Leap of Faith - Fully Rely on God." I mention this for two reasons:

1) It was refreshing to get away for two days and spend time conversing with God, as opposed to rushing through my weekend doing laundry and driving kids around town. Not that I didn't miss my family, but sometimes we need to get time alone! I think that as women; daughters, sisters, friends, mothers, wives and stepmoms, we rarely indulge in the luxury of spending a good chunk of time by ourselves. I highly recommend it! Put it on your calendar, and get away by yourself for an hour or a day or a weekend. Pray or paint, read or hike, or just sit and stare at the wall, but make the effort and take the time to invest in yourself. Trust me, the world will not fall apart, nor will your family starve to death, just because you take some time for you. You will return refreshed, and be a much better person, wife, mother or stepmother.

2) I walked the labyrinth while I was on this retreat. What is a labyrinth? It is a winding path, sort of like a maze, that leads in to the center of itself, and then back out. Labyrinths were used by early Christians as a form of walking prayer. One of the more famous ones is found at Chartes Cathedral in France. The idea is that when walking toward the center (God) you will change direction often, come close to the center, then abruptly turn away, but eventually, you will arrive. In a labyrinth, like in life, you will walk with people on the journey and then suddenly turn away from them. The path we walk is the same (life) yet we each have a different cadence, speed, style, and thought process while we walk. As I walked, I tried to quiet my mind and listen to what God had to say to me. It was a really interesting and renewing experience.

Where are you on life's path today? Who is walking with you? Can you see the center? Are you getting closer?

        

This is the cutest thing I've read today:

After the dedication of 4-year old Jason and his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, Jason replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I want to stay with you guys!"

        

I spent this past weekend in Oklahoma with 11 other stepfamily ministry leaders. We discussed the idea of hosting a stepfamily/single parent conference in spring 2009. So here are my questions to you:

• Do you identify yourself as being in a stepfamily or single parent family?
• Would you like to know about helpful resources or programs for stepfamilies or single parent families?
• If a stepfamily/single parent family conference were held in your area, and had programming for the kids, would you attend?
• What would you be willing/able to pay for a brief conference (Friday evening, Saturday 9-3)?

Let me know by posting  a comment or 2. Thanks! ~ Susan