Living in a blender isn't easy
I received the following email this week from a woman in the Southeast US. I gave her the best advice I could think of, but I need some help on this one. I think the letter speaks for itself.
"Hi Susan. I just subscribed to your monthly newsletter and am ready to start the process of blending our family successfully. I have been married 7 years (and counting!) and my husband has 6 different baby mothers and we have a total of 11 kids altogether. The mothers and I have not always gotten along with each other, but I do my best to try to make it work. (We have gotten better over the years.) But now there are two of us mothers who live in one state and the rest live in another. Now my husband needs to be in the state where his other kids live. It isn't an easy situation where he can just come and go for a week or two. He suggested that we all move back to that state. But at the same time, I don't want to move my kids so that he can be a father to his kids there, when we and our kids are happy where we are now. First, is this selfish? Is it possible to still have a strong marriage while living in two different states doing what we feel is best for the kids separately? What are some things we can do to make it easier for all involved: him, me, our kids, his kids there, the other mothers, etc? How do we make this work without losing all of our hair? I need some outside perspectives so that I won't make a choice that I cannot take back. Thank you and I look forward to reading your input. ~ Mother T."
Does anybody have any suggestions for this family? Please post them as comments.
Thanks,
Susan
"Hi Susan. I just subscribed to your monthly newsletter and am ready to start the process of blending our family successfully. I have been married 7 years (and counting!) and my husband has 6 different baby mothers and we have a total of 11 kids altogether. The mothers and I have not always gotten along with each other, but I do my best to try to make it work. (We have gotten better over the years.) But now there are two of us mothers who live in one state and the rest live in another. Now my husband needs to be in the state where his other kids live. It isn't an easy situation where he can just come and go for a week or two. He suggested that we all move back to that state. But at the same time, I don't want to move my kids so that he can be a father to his kids there, when we and our kids are happy where we are now. First, is this selfish? Is it possible to still have a strong marriage while living in two different states doing what we feel is best for the kids separately? What are some things we can do to make it easier for all involved: him, me, our kids, his kids there, the other mothers, etc? How do we make this work without losing all of our hair? I need some outside perspectives so that I won't make a choice that I cannot take back. Thank you and I look forward to reading your input. ~ Mother T."
Does anybody have any suggestions for this family? Please post them as comments.
Thanks,
Susan
Many may disagree with me..but I will say it confidently. The health of the marriage comes FIRST. Reason being, if your marriage is the priority, healthy and thriving you are now two (which are stronger) making decisions and setting the example for the children and all of the mothers involved. There is nothing you can do more important that showing all of the children a loving and healthy relationship that, loves, gives, compromises, supports and one that honors God 1st. With that said, You and your husband need to weigh the pros and cons of moving and then seek God as to what you should really do. Him living in one space and you in another may rip you apart in a already tense 'step" situation. Arrange where the children can spend a few weeks in the summer, a few long weekends and holidays and plan a yearly "Annual Father's Day" weekend when all of the kids can come to where you live. Keep in touch by using webcasts, videophones and setting up family conference calls when you can dial in a few at a time to see what's going on. You can also use e-mail and regular snail mail. There are so many ways to keep in touch now! Start a family Myspace page where the siblings can exchange pictures and updates daily. Get the e-mail addresses of all of the kids teachers. E-mail them the introduction of who you and your husband are. Let them know that you both stand in support of "the mom" and there to help and be kept abreast of what's going on in "Kid #1's" life...etc.. It will take ALOT of work, but TOGETHER you and your husband can make it happen. But you HAVE to take this on together and stay unified, THAT's where the blessing is.
www.thesuperfamily13.blogspot.com
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The best thing for your family now is to operate as a family where you live. There are so many ways to keep in touch with other children, i.e. e-mail, web-cam to see them and talk and watch them grow. If you try to please the other families, YOU may end up as "one of the mothers".
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Hi, this is a tricky situation you are in! I have been given the advice that the marriage has to be the strongest relationship to give the children stablility and a good example. You need to talk to each other about moving to the other state, will he get a job, can you afford housing, schooling etc? You say he "needs" to move, is it because say one of the children has "special needs"? could that mum and child move closer to you? also, if they need more support, can you encourage that from elsewhere, like church, school etc.
I wish you well, please talk about it and its important that the needs and feelings of your children together are thought about by him too. Please stay together to encourage all of the children that marriage can work! let us know how it goes!
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First let me say that I share joint custody with my husband on the 2 kids he had before me. She lives in a different state than us and I like it that way.
However, as a father he needs to be as available to all of his kids as possible. As his wife, you are supposed to submit to your husband. Make sacrifices for him because that's what God calls you to do. Maybe this could be viewed as a test to see if your truly willing to sacrifice your comfort zone. Even your kids' comfort zones. God will see your submission and be happy. My advice would be to make the move, TRUST in GOD, and PRAY,PRAY,PRAY.
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