Blending Blog

Time in a Bottle

Susan Hetrick — 2010-03-06T20:10:00Z

Do you remember the song from the 70's by Jim Croce, called Time in a Bottle? OK, I guess I'm dating myself here, but bear with me. There's a line in the song that goes something like,

"If I could save time in a bottle,
the first thing that I'd like to do,
is save every day until eternity,
and then I would spend them with you."

Well, guess what? We all have the same 24 hours in each day and we can't bottle them (or the energy that toddlers have, much to my annoyance!) So who are you spending time with today??

Love by any other name

Susan Hetrick — 2010-01-07T20:35:00Z

You may or may not be aware of the Love Languages. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five Love Languages. They are:

words of affirmation,
acts of service,
receiving/giving gifts,
quality time,
physical touch.

And, you have a primary love language - one of the five resonates with you more deeply than the other four. Seldom do a husband and wife will have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language. So think about how you know that you are loved. Do you feel most cherished when your spouse gives you a present, or when they tell you how fabulous you are? Do you appreciate hugs more than your spouse offering to do the laundry? Whichever one resonates most with you is probably your primary love language.

What about your spouse? What about your kids and stepkids? We each have a different primary love language. Do a little detective work and figure out how your family members most want to be loved - then try speaking their language!

Merry, Merry!

Susan Hetrick — 2009-12-18T04:02:00Z

I just want to wish you and your family a very Happy Christmas, and a wonderful New Year.
Be Blessed,
~Susan

Being thankful

Susan Hetrick — 2009-11-21T23:34:00Z

It's the season of Thanksgiving.

As a special project this month, I've chosen to report on my Facebook page everyday one thing I am thankful for. I have no shortage of amazing things in my life to be grateful for: love, my husband, our kids, my parents, God, flowers, sunsets, the telephone, my dogs (well, at least on a good day!) music, laughter, children, crayons, colors, the fact that I can get out of bed each morning, sushi, Listerine, diamonds, art, fish...you get the idea. I could go on like this all year!

So what are you thankful for??

The New Normal

Susan Hetrick — 2009-10-15T05:28:00Z

It seems like everyone I meet lately is in a blended family!

I am currently doing something called Clinical Pastoral Education, which means I am "working" as a Chaplain Intern at a hospital. (I put working in quotes because while I put in clinical hours, visit patients, and write papers about my experience I'm actually paying for the privilege of doing this.) Anyway, as I make my way around the hospital, I talk with all kinds of people: patients, staff, family members, doctors, nurses and volunteers. When I mention the blended family angle of my ministry, I inevitably hear about their experience in blended families.

It always strikes me as kind of funny when someone says "We aren't a blended family, we're a normal family." but then they go on to tell me that their spouse was previously married and had two children! Hello?! That means they're in a blended family! It also means they're a normal family - we are the new normal.

Seeing through God's glasses

Susan Hetrick — 2009-09-12T23:16:00Z

Lots of people see life pessimistically. They are "the glass is half-empty" sorts. They will always look on the dark side of things, and tend to see only what is wrong or stressful in their lives. If you ask them how they are doing, they will give you a long list of complaints about their health, their stepchildren, the weather, their neighbors and how unfairly life is treating them.

Others are optimistic. They see the metaphorical glass as being "half-full." These are the sunshiney, happy-go-lucky sorts who always see the good in everything. You ask them how they are, and they will answer "Wonderful!" even if it's still raining, and the hurricane blew away their roof.

Then there are those special, intuitive people who understand that the real question is not about whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. It's not about being pessimistic or optimistic! It's really about being grateful that God has given you a glass, and it is twice as large as you need.

How do you see your glass?

Reality TV Casting Call

Susan Hetrick — 2009-08-14T21:35:00Z

I know that starring in your own Reality TV show isn't for everyone, but I thought I'd pass along this opportunity to all of you:

Re-Married with Children? We need the Real-Life Brady Bunch!

A major cable network is seeking a blended family with several children from previous marriages to star in a new reality series all their own!

Is your family overflowing with personality? What makes YOUR blended family unique, unusual, or interesting? We would love to hear your story if you are about to get married or have been recently re-married…WITH KIDS! We’d love to see a family with at least TWO KIDS FROM EACH PREVIOUS MARRIAGE and ideally all living under the same roof.
who are either/or:

- About to get re-married
- In a newly blended marriage
- Multi-racial
- Struggling with the blending process
- Combing contrasting cultures or lifestyles

If this sounds like you or a family you know, send an email with your story, a family photo, and your contact information to: Brent Hatherill at Sirens Media: sirenscasting@gmail.com.

So, there you have it. If you ever dreamed of being a star, this may be your moment! If you are cast and get on TV, be sure to let me know - I'll want your autograph!

We aren't a "stepfamily"... are we?

Susan Hetrick — 2009-08-07T18:16:00Z

I just returned from the AMFM Conference in Phoenix, where I spoke on Strengthening Stepfamily Marriages! It was great, I made lots of connections, and met a bunch of great people in ministry. (A big HELLO to all those folks who just signed up for my monthly newsletter - sign up at www.advicefromtheblender.com)

One question had me stumped though: "How do you define a stepfamily?"

The definition of a stepfamily or blended family (and I use the terms interchangeably) is kind of nebulous! I see it as a family which is formed by the marriage of two adults, in which at least one of the adults brings a child with them to the relationship, no matter what age the child is.

That means that even if neither person has ever been married before, but one of them has a kid from a previous relationship, or through adoption, they ARE forming a stepfamily when the wedding takes place. It also means that if the two people getting married are in their 70's and they have grown children and grandchildren who don't even live with them, they are still forming a blended family, albeit one which is scattered through several homes.

Speaking of grandparents, if your adult child marries someone who already has children, you have now become a stepgrandparent - you are now part of a stepfamily! Welcome aboard the blender!

If the partners are not married, but cohabitating, and one or both of them have children, they form a psuedo-stepfamily. This is trickier, because there is no legal commitment. The relationships will have some aspects of stepfamily dynamics, but none of the responsibility.

Whatever you call it, treasure it! There's a reason God put your new family together the way He did. Make the decision to love all the members of your blending family, and see what you can learn from them today.

~Susan

Upcoming workshops

Susan Hetrick — 2009-08-01T19:57:00Z

I'm spending my weekend gearing up to speak next week. I'll be holding a workshop on Wednesday August 5, at the AMFM Conference in Phoenix, AZ, about Strengthening Stepfamily Marriages! Come see me if you can!

Also, it looks like I'll be holding House Blend Workshops in Scottsdale, AZ this fall! They will be held at Hope Community Church, on the third Sunday of each month, beginning September 20th, from 1:00 - 4:00 pm. The cost to register is $50/couple, or $30/individual. Anyone interested can register with me, by emailing susan@advicefromtheblender.com.

Looking forward to seeing all of you!
~Susan

The Man in the Moon

Susan Hetrick — 2009-07-21T00:17:00Z

It's the 40th anniversary of the moon walk today! ...NO, the actual walk on the moon, it has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.

I remember watching the Apollo 11 drama unfold on TV. Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon; it was a small step for a man and a huge leap for mankind. Seriously - the first person to walk on something that isn't on the Earth! That's huge!

Anyway, I told the kids that I remember seeing this unfold on television. They looked at me and said, "You were alive in the actual 60's?!" Sheesh! Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for... Feeling old, anyone?

The Summertime Shuffle, part 2

Susan Hetrick — 2009-07-05T22:36:00Z

Continuing with our theme from a few weeks ago, here's what I've learned from doing "the summertime shuffle," that time of year when you have stepkids visiting for the summer, or your own kids head off to visit the other parents for a time:

   3.  Ease into things. As much as you want to fill your children's summer days right away with fun and exciting educational adventures, like going to the zoo, the beach, the art museum and the annual blueberry-picking festival; remember that your kids may not be as gung-ho as you are. Try not to overschedule their visitation (or their return). Sometimes just hanging out at home is all they want to do.

    4. Have a backup plan. Your stepkids arrive with hand-held video games, cell phones and ipods in hand, and barely grunt as they flop down on the sofa. After allowing them a few days for decompression (see notes #1 and #3), have a few activities in mind for the inevitable moment when they declare, "I'm bored!" Going to the movies, rollerskating, swimming, visiting your local library, hiking, miniature golf or a visit to a local state park are several options. Check your local newspaper for kid-and-teen-friendly ideas. For example: our town hosts "Mighty Mud Mania" every July in which kids under 18 can play in a gigantic mud puddle all day for free! It's messy, but it's loads of fun!

    5. Don't take it personally. Remember that summer visitation means that your child has to emotionally detach from their other parent - and that is not easy. Sometimes this means you end up with a prickly, grouchy, snarky kid for a few days. While it might make you feel better to berate them about how annoying and irritating their attitude is, try to remember that it isn't about you. Always speak the truth in love, but before you say anything, stop and think: Is this necessary? Is it helpful? Is it kind? If not, then keep your opinion to yourself. (Note: I'm still working on this one!)

Above all, remember to hug your children, tell them you love them, and remind them how special they are to you - every day. "Lift up your eyes and look about you: All assemble and come to you; your sons come from afar and your daughters...you will look and be radiant, your heart will trob and swell with joy!" (Isaiah 60:4-5)

Dancing right along with you,
Enjoy the summer!
~Susan

The Summertime Shuffle, part 1

Susan Hetrick — 2009-06-19T22:42:00Z

Since it's June, that means it's time for the Summertime Shuffle! You know - the annual dance in which your kids disappear and go visit their other parents, or your stepkids suddenly invade your once peaceful home! I have to confess that after five years, I'm still not used to it, and I don't think I'll ever learn all of the steps.

There are a few things I've picked up along the way, though:

1. Let the kids decompress. Whether they are visiting your home, or returning to it from the other house, allow them a day or two to re-adjust. Each kid needs to make the mental and emotional adjustments in their own way. Different homes have different routines, rules and expectations, and it may take your children a little bit of time to mentally make the shift.

2. Restrain your inner decorator. When your children are visiting their other parent, it may seem like an ideal time to remodel your house, redecorate the kids' bedrooms, and throw away all those toys they've outgrown, since there are fewer people around to get in the way. I guarantee you, it is not. "For lo, the children returned and found that everything had been rearranged, and there was much groaning and unpleasant gnashing of teeth."

I will continue this train of thought next time! Keep dancing!

Mother's Day

Susan Hetrick — 2009-05-03T23:45:00Z

How many mothers are you honoring this Mother's Day?

If you're like me, there are many! My own mother, my mother-in-law, my former mother-in-law, my husband's first wife, my children's stepmother...the list can go on!

Remember Moms everywhere this weekend!!

Pause

Susan Hetrick — 2009-04-20T00:10:00Z

Sometimes I wish there was a "Pause" button on my life, like there is on my DVD player. I would pause time - just for a few hours - in order to catch up on all the stuff that needs to get done during the day. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong. I saw the movie Click, with Adam Sandler. I don't want to fast-forward through the unpleasant or boring parts of life...I just want to get the laundry folded, my office cleaned up, and file some paperwork; and still have time to watch a movie with the kids and take the dogs for a walk before dark!

Lunch philosophy

Susan Hetrick — 2009-03-24T19:41:00Z

I have heard of the sandwich generation - people who are caring not only for their children, but their parents too. I just realized that not only am I living in a sandwich, but my particular sandwich is a triple-decker - one of those Dagwood specials - and apparently I am the mayo.

On my particular plate I have myself, my hubby, my kids, his kids, my parents and his parents; not to mention his former wife, and her mom and grandmother... All of this can be very stressful.

But at least I'm not a pickle.

Walking the Line

Susan Hetrick — 2009-02-18T00:14:00Z

In stepfamilies there is a fine line on which we walk.

It is that ultra-thin line between yours and mine; between current and former; between past and present. It is a line that no one wants to cross, and so we find ourselves walking on hypothetical tightropes without a net.

For instance: when should you say "these are our children," as opposed to "these are my stepchildren" or "these are my spouse's kids?" It can become awkward, especially if the kids themselves make the distinction and loudly insist "I'm NOT your kid!"

I just keep in mind that God chose to call us His children (Galatians 4:4-7) and not His stepchildren. And the only lines involved there were the lines of the Cross.

Book Award

Susan Hetrick — 2009-02-04T17:29:00Z

Hey! Guess What!?

Advice from the Blender was awarded 1st Place in the 2008 Christian Choice Book Awards in the Parenting category!
If you haven't ordered your own autographed copy yet, you can do so here.

Prayer for the Blending Family

Susan Hetrick — 2009-01-14T17:56:00Z

A friend of mine sent me this little prayer via email:

God, our Father,
Please walk through our house,
and take away our worries and conflicts.
Please watch over us and heal any rifts in our family.
In Jesus name we ask. Amen.

Pretty powerful stuff! ~ Susan

Roots and Wings

Susan Hetrick — 2009-01-05T03:44:00Z

Happy New Year! I want to thank all of you for your support this past year. I appreciate your comments and prayers, especially while we were in transition, with Zoni moving to Las Vegas. She is there now, and while I miss her like crazy, I am trying to be positive.

I decided in the end that she apparently NEEDED to make this move. There are things God is trying to teach her, and she is very much like me, in that sometimes she needs to learn her lessons first-hand. So, I let her go.

I have a feeling that I am supposed to be learning from this as well. God is teaching me to let go, and to trust Him. He allowed me the privilege of raising my daughter for the past 16 years, and from the very beginning I knew it was never going to be permanent. He gives us these beautiful precious children to raise for Him. I just pray that I've done a good job so far, and that she will make intelligent choices from here on out.

As parents, and stepparents, we are given the task of teaching our children the value of roots and wings - giving them a strong foundation and the courage to fly.

Mall Date

Susan Hetrick — 2008-12-18T23:30:00Z

Well, it's that time of year. Hustle and bustle...shopping, wrapping, people getting grumpy...oh wait, that's not right.

David actually suggested he and I go to the mall last Saturday. I know what you're thinking...the mall? On a Saturday afternoon? Two weeks before Christmas? What on earth possessed him? I didn't know, didn't care, and didn't mention any of that...until we got to the parking lot. Which was JAMMED with cars.

He hadn't considered any of those things! He just wanted to walk around the mall with me! Is he the best, or what?! We had a lovely time, S-L-O-W-L-Y wending our way through the crowds. We did some planning for Christmas gifts for the kids, and took advantage of the Going Out Of Business sale at the jewelry store...I got my birthday gift three months early. But the best part was just being with my husband for a few hours, alone in the crowd. Mall dates rule!