Blending Blog

The Miracles of Christmas

Susan Hetrick — 2010-12-24T19:56:00Z

If the Christmas story happened today, would anyone even notice?

A teenaged couple is out on the streets. They aren’t married yet – mostly because everyone keeps telling them to stay in school - but she’s pregnant. He doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend, even though he’s pretty sure the baby isn’t his. So they set out on their own, looking for a better life north of the border. On the way, she goes into labor. They talk about going to the ER, but with no insurance, and Immigration breathing down their necks, that thought is too scary. So they have their baby in the middle of the night under a bridge.

Some guys that work the night shift at the local convenience store are outside having a cigarette, and notice that there is an unusually bright star overhead. Suddenly they hear the cry of a baby, coming from the direction of the overpass. They go and investigate – and are awed by the sight of a young couple and an infant. The guys get on their cell phones and start texting their friends. One calls for an ambulance. The air is filled with the sound of ringtones.

The story of the first Christmas was filled with miracles: a young Jewish girl having a baby in a stable; her frightened fiancé Joseph not turning his back on her (even though he knew the baby couldn't be his); shepherds being woken up by angels; the heavens resounding with the sound of mysterious singing; a bright, wandering star; magi knowing what was happening without the benefit of CNN, email or cell phone alerts. And let’s not forget the fact that we’re still discussing these events 2000 years later!

People complain today that there aren’t any more miracles. Really? I believe miracles occur all the time, but in our world - with wireless internet, space stations, organ transplants and trillion dollar financial dealings – it is just a lot harder to impress us. Joyce Meyer put it beautifully recently when she said, “If He needs to, God can grow bananas on telephone poles!”

We take so much for granted: overnight shipping, text messaging, microwave popcorn, the fact that we are free to choose which Christmas Eve service we attend for worship… the list is endless.

This Christmas, look for all of the miracles in your life and in your blending family. Remember why we still celebrate the miracle of Jesus’ birth so long ago. And don’t take the miracles for granted.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8

The sounds of summer

Susan Hetrick — 2010-07-26T21:36:00Z

All four kids and one boyfriend are hanging out here today, along with our two dogs AND the stepdog...chaos doesn't even begin to describe the atmosphere or noise level... And somehow I'm supposed to be working. Sigh.

Related by heart

Susan Hetrick — 2010-06-15T01:06:00Z

This past month we celebrated a Quincinera and a graduation! It has been blended family fun galore!

In May, my stepdaughter turned 15, which in her Mom's native Peru, means a great big celebration - a Quincinera. We ate Peruvian food and danced the night away - although my hips complained the next morning that I "salsa-ed" way too much! I am always impressed by the warm welcome I receive from the Peruvian side of the family - hugs and kisses from aunts, uncles and grandparents who speak no English, but consider me family and treat me as such.

Ten days later, we were all in Las Vegas for my daughter's high school graduation! That meant dinner with kids, stepkids, in-laws, out-laws, parents, stepparents and nieces on my ex's side of the family, and I was again blown away by the love and acceptance shown by everyone. It was really fun gathering everyone for dinner with my parents, my current in-laws and my first mother-in-law all together! My daughter was thrilled to have so much family around to help her celebrate!

The only snag in all of this was trying to figure out how to answer my son's question, "Mom, how am I related to all these people?"

I suppose we're related by heart.

Happy Birthday, Alice!

Susan Hetrick — 2010-05-03T17:53:00Z

Today is Ann B. Davis' birthday. Who is that, you ask? Ms. Davis played Alice, the Brady's housekeeper, on the TV show The Brady Bunch!

We who live in blended families KNOW that life is nothing like The Brady Bunch. First of all, how many of us have a live-in housekeeper like Alice? Very few, I'd guess. Alice was a great cook, kept the house neat and tidy (even with 6 kids running around), helped the kids with homework, and helped Mr. Brady with his schedule. She loved the whole entire family, and chose not to marry Sam the butcher because the Brady's needed her more. Alice was always polite, very wise and sometimes snarky. Everyone in America liked Alice. I always kind of wished I had an "Alice."

Ah well...I guess we have to pick up the slack and do all the "Alice work" ourselves. Besides the housework, the most important things we can learn from Alice is to help our stepkids with their homework, keep our spouse's schedule on track, put our family's needs at the top of our priority list, and to choose to love our entire family. Think like Alice (it's OK to be snarky occasionally!)

Census and surveys

Susan Hetrick — 2010-04-12T18:00:00Z

Well, I'm sure you did your patriotic duty and filled out your census forms. I found it sort of confusing - not the form - just trying to decide which of our children actually lived in our home more than 50% of the time on April 1st! That tends to change from day to day, you know?

Anyway, there is a huge survey available for stepfamilies to make their voices heard! StepfamilySystems.com is asking 10,000 stepfamilies to participate - and you can too!

Go to: http://stepfamilysystems.com/id1.html, fill out the survey and email it in. You'll be helping with a large research project. It's kind of nice to have someone actually care what you're stepfamily is going through!! You aren't alone!

Ciao!

Good Friday

Susan Hetrick — 2010-04-02T21:43:00Z

It's Good Friday. My kids asked me why we call it "good" when it was the day that Jesus was crucified. Shouldn't it be called "Bad Friday," or "Black Friday" or something more dire?

It's an excellent question. But we have to remember that while Jesus was crucified, and He did die on Friday, He didn't stay dead! He is risen! He conquered death and was not in the tomb on Sunday! He conquered death - not just for Himself, but for us. And that makes it Good.

Have a blessed Easter!

Time in a Bottle

Susan Hetrick — 2010-03-06T20:10:00Z

Do you remember the song from the 70's by Jim Croce, called Time in a Bottle? OK, I guess I'm dating myself here, but bear with me. There's a line in the song that goes something like,

"If I could save time in a bottle,
the first thing that I'd like to do,
is save every day until eternity,
and then I would spend them with you."

Well, guess what? We all have the same 24 hours in each day and we can't bottle them (or the energy that toddlers have, much to my annoyance!) So who are you spending time with today??

Love by any other name

Susan Hetrick — 2010-01-07T20:35:00Z

You may or may not be aware of the Love Languages. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five Love Languages. They are:

words of affirmation,
acts of service,
receiving/giving gifts,
quality time,
physical touch.

And, you have a primary love language - one of the five resonates with you more deeply than the other four. Seldom do a husband and wife will have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language. So think about how you know that you are loved. Do you feel most cherished when your spouse gives you a present, or when they tell you how fabulous you are? Do you appreciate hugs more than your spouse offering to do the laundry? Whichever one resonates most with you is probably your primary love language.

What about your spouse? What about your kids and stepkids? We each have a different primary love language. Do a little detective work and figure out how your family members most want to be loved - then try speaking their language!

Merry, Merry!

Susan Hetrick — 2009-12-18T04:02:00Z

I just want to wish you and your family a very Happy Christmas, and a wonderful New Year.
Be Blessed,
~Susan

Being thankful

Susan Hetrick — 2009-11-21T23:34:00Z

It's the season of Thanksgiving.

As a special project this month, I've chosen to report on my Facebook page everyday one thing I am thankful for. I have no shortage of amazing things in my life to be grateful for: love, my husband, our kids, my parents, God, flowers, sunsets, the telephone, my dogs (well, at least on a good day!) music, laughter, children, crayons, colors, the fact that I can get out of bed each morning, sushi, Listerine, diamonds, art, fish...you get the idea. I could go on like this all year!

So what are you thankful for??

The New Normal

Susan Hetrick — 2009-10-15T05:28:00Z

It seems like everyone I meet lately is in a blended family!

I am currently doing something called Clinical Pastoral Education, which means I am "working" as a Chaplain Intern at a hospital. (I put working in quotes because while I put in clinical hours, visit patients, and write papers about my experience I'm actually paying for the privilege of doing this.) Anyway, as I make my way around the hospital, I talk with all kinds of people: patients, staff, family members, doctors, nurses and volunteers. When I mention the blended family angle of my ministry, I inevitably hear about their experience in blended families.

It always strikes me as kind of funny when someone says "We aren't a blended family, we're a normal family." but then they go on to tell me that their spouse was previously married and had two children! Hello?! That means they're in a blended family! It also means they're a normal family - we are the new normal.

Seeing through God's glasses

Susan Hetrick — 2009-09-12T23:16:00Z

Lots of people see life pessimistically. They are "the glass is half-empty" sorts. They will always look on the dark side of things, and tend to see only what is wrong or stressful in their lives. If you ask them how they are doing, they will give you a long list of complaints about their health, their stepchildren, the weather, their neighbors and how unfairly life is treating them.

Others are optimistic. They see the metaphorical glass as being "half-full." These are the sunshiney, happy-go-lucky sorts who always see the good in everything. You ask them how they are, and they will answer "Wonderful!" even if it's still raining, and the hurricane blew away their roof.

Then there are those special, intuitive people who understand that the real question is not about whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. It's not about being pessimistic or optimistic! It's really about being grateful that God has given you a glass, and it is twice as large as you need.

How do you see your glass?

Reality TV Casting Call

Susan Hetrick — 2009-08-14T21:35:00Z

I know that starring in your own Reality TV show isn't for everyone, but I thought I'd pass along this opportunity to all of you:

Re-Married with Children? We need the Real-Life Brady Bunch!

A major cable network is seeking a blended family with several children from previous marriages to star in a new reality series all their own!

Is your family overflowing with personality? What makes YOUR blended family unique, unusual, or interesting? We would love to hear your story if you are about to get married or have been recently re-married…WITH KIDS! We’d love to see a family with at least TWO KIDS FROM EACH PREVIOUS MARRIAGE and ideally all living under the same roof.
who are either/or:

- About to get re-married
- In a newly blended marriage
- Multi-racial
- Struggling with the blending process
- Combing contrasting cultures or lifestyles

If this sounds like you or a family you know, send an email with your story, a family photo, and your contact information to: Brent Hatherill at Sirens Media: sirenscasting@gmail.com.

So, there you have it. If you ever dreamed of being a star, this may be your moment! If you are cast and get on TV, be sure to let me know - I'll want your autograph!

We aren't a "stepfamily"... are we?

Susan Hetrick — 2009-08-07T18:16:00Z

I just returned from the AMFM Conference in Phoenix, where I spoke on Strengthening Stepfamily Marriages! It was great, I made lots of connections, and met a bunch of great people in ministry. (A big HELLO to all those folks who just signed up for my monthly newsletter - sign up at www.advicefromtheblender.com)

One question had me stumped though: "How do you define a stepfamily?"

The definition of a stepfamily or blended family (and I use the terms interchangeably) is kind of nebulous! I see it as a family which is formed by the marriage of two adults, in which at least one of the adults brings a child with them to the relationship, no matter what age the child is.

That means that even if neither person has ever been married before, but one of them has a kid from a previous relationship, or through adoption, they ARE forming a stepfamily when the wedding takes place. It also means that if the two people getting married are in their 70's and they have grown children and grandchildren who don't even live with them, they are still forming a blended family, albeit one which is scattered through several homes.

Speaking of grandparents, if your adult child marries someone who already has children, you have now become a stepgrandparent - you are now part of a stepfamily! Welcome aboard the blender!

If the partners are not married, but cohabitating, and one or both of them have children, they form a psuedo-stepfamily. This is trickier, because there is no legal commitment. The relationships will have some aspects of stepfamily dynamics, but none of the responsibility.

Whatever you call it, treasure it! There's a reason God put your new family together the way He did. Make the decision to love all the members of your blending family, and see what you can learn from them today.

~Susan

Upcoming workshops

Susan Hetrick — 2009-08-01T19:57:00Z

I'm spending my weekend gearing up to speak next week. I'll be holding a workshop on Wednesday August 5, at the AMFM Conference in Phoenix, AZ, about Strengthening Stepfamily Marriages! Come see me if you can!

Also, it looks like I'll be holding House Blend Workshops in Scottsdale, AZ this fall! They will be held at Hope Community Church, on the third Sunday of each month, beginning September 20th, from 1:00 - 4:00 pm. The cost to register is $50/couple, or $30/individual. Anyone interested can register with me, by emailing susan@advicefromtheblender.com.

Looking forward to seeing all of you!
~Susan

The Man in the Moon

Susan Hetrick — 2009-07-21T00:17:00Z

It's the 40th anniversary of the moon walk today! ...NO, the actual walk on the moon, it has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.

I remember watching the Apollo 11 drama unfold on TV. Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon; it was a small step for a man and a huge leap for mankind. Seriously - the first person to walk on something that isn't on the Earth! That's huge!

Anyway, I told the kids that I remember seeing this unfold on television. They looked at me and said, "You were alive in the actual 60's?!" Sheesh! Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for... Feeling old, anyone?

The Summertime Shuffle, part 2

Susan Hetrick — 2009-07-05T22:36:00Z

Continuing with our theme from a few weeks ago, here's what I've learned from doing "the summertime shuffle," that time of year when you have stepkids visiting for the summer, or your own kids head off to visit the other parents for a time:

   3.  Ease into things. As much as you want to fill your children's summer days right away with fun and exciting educational adventures, like going to the zoo, the beach, the art museum and the annual blueberry-picking festival; remember that your kids may not be as gung-ho as you are. Try not to overschedule their visitation (or their return). Sometimes just hanging out at home is all they want to do.

    4. Have a backup plan. Your stepkids arrive with hand-held video games, cell phones and ipods in hand, and barely grunt as they flop down on the sofa. After allowing them a few days for decompression (see notes #1 and #3), have a few activities in mind for the inevitable moment when they declare, "I'm bored!" Going to the movies, rollerskating, swimming, visiting your local library, hiking, miniature golf or a visit to a local state park are several options. Check your local newspaper for kid-and-teen-friendly ideas. For example: our town hosts "Mighty Mud Mania" every July in which kids under 18 can play in a gigantic mud puddle all day for free! It's messy, but it's loads of fun!

    5. Don't take it personally. Remember that summer visitation means that your child has to emotionally detach from their other parent - and that is not easy. Sometimes this means you end up with a prickly, grouchy, snarky kid for a few days. While it might make you feel better to berate them about how annoying and irritating their attitude is, try to remember that it isn't about you. Always speak the truth in love, but before you say anything, stop and think: Is this necessary? Is it helpful? Is it kind? If not, then keep your opinion to yourself. (Note: I'm still working on this one!)

Above all, remember to hug your children, tell them you love them, and remind them how special they are to you - every day. "Lift up your eyes and look about you: All assemble and come to you; your sons come from afar and your daughters...you will look and be radiant, your heart will trob and swell with joy!" (Isaiah 60:4-5)

Dancing right along with you,
Enjoy the summer!
~Susan

The Summertime Shuffle, part 1

Susan Hetrick — 2009-06-19T22:42:00Z

Since it's June, that means it's time for the Summertime Shuffle! You know - the annual dance in which your kids disappear and go visit their other parents, or your stepkids suddenly invade your once peaceful home! I have to confess that after five years, I'm still not used to it, and I don't think I'll ever learn all of the steps.

There are a few things I've picked up along the way, though:

1. Let the kids decompress. Whether they are visiting your home, or returning to it from the other house, allow them a day or two to re-adjust. Each kid needs to make the mental and emotional adjustments in their own way. Different homes have different routines, rules and expectations, and it may take your children a little bit of time to mentally make the shift.

2. Restrain your inner decorator. When your children are visiting their other parent, it may seem like an ideal time to remodel your house, redecorate the kids' bedrooms, and throw away all those toys they've outgrown, since there are fewer people around to get in the way. I guarantee you, it is not. "For lo, the children returned and found that everything had been rearranged, and there was much groaning and unpleasant gnashing of teeth."

I will continue this train of thought next time! Keep dancing!

Mother's Day

Susan Hetrick — 2009-05-03T23:45:00Z

How many mothers are you honoring this Mother's Day?

If you're like me, there are many! My own mother, my mother-in-law, my former mother-in-law, my husband's first wife, my children's stepmother...the list can go on!

Remember Moms everywhere this weekend!!

Pause

Susan Hetrick — 2009-04-20T00:10:00Z

Sometimes I wish there was a "Pause" button on my life, like there is on my DVD player. I would pause time - just for a few hours - in order to catch up on all the stuff that needs to get done during the day. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong. I saw the movie Click, with Adam Sandler. I don't want to fast-forward through the unpleasant or boring parts of life...I just want to get the laundry folded, my office cleaned up, and file some paperwork; and still have time to watch a movie with the kids and take the dogs for a walk before dark!